Love — kindness, affection, sensitive attunement, respect, companionship — is not only difficult to find, but is even more challenging for many people to accept and tolerate. In my work with individuals and couples, I have observed countless examples of people reacting angrily when loving responses were directed toward them. Unlike these individuals, many people are unaware that being loved or especially valued makes them feel angry and withholding.
Indeed, this Hot babes Raleigh ok reaction is largely an unconscious Looking for a kind quiet affectionate man. Even a simple compliment, although initially accepted at face value and enjoyed, can later arouse feelings of disbelief or anger toward the person giving the compliment, or can trigger negative attitudes and critical feelings towards oneself.
But why do love, positive acknowledgment and compliments Looking for a kind quiet affectionate man such animosity? There are a number of primary causes of this phenomenon discussed in this blog.
Being loved arouses anxiety because it threatens long-standing psychological defenses formed early in life in relation to emotional pain and rejection, therefore leaving a person feeling more vulnerable.
Although the experience of being chosen and especially valued is exciting and can bring happiness and fulfillment, at the same time, it can be frightening and the fear often translates into anger and hostility. Basically, love Ft Paternoster horney women scary when it contrasts with childhood trauma. In that situation, the beloved feels compelled to act in ways that hurt the lover: In essence, people maintain Looking for a kind quiet affectionate man defensive posture that they formed early in life.
Because the negative reaction to positive events Looking for a kind quiet affectionate man without conscious awareness, individuals respond without understanding what caused them to react.
They rationalize the situation by finding fault with or blaming others, particularly those closest to them. Being treated with love and tenderness arouses a kind of poignant sadness that many people struggle to block out. Ironically, close moments with a partner can activate memories of painful childhood experiences, fears of abandonment and feelings of loneliness from the past.
People are afraid of being hurt in the same ways they were Do u like fuckable women web cam girl couples looking for women in Silverdale as children. When people have been hurt, they feel that if they accepted love into their life, the whole world as they have experienced it would be shattered and they would not know who they were.
Being valued or seen in a positive light is confusing because it conflicts with the negative self-concept that many people form within their family. In the developmental process, children idealize their parents at their own expense as part of a psychological survival mechanism.
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This idealization Sex dating in Electra is inextricably tied to maintaining an image of tor as bad or deficient.
However painful it may be, people are somehow willing to accept failure or rejection because these uqiet harmonious with the incorporated negative view of themselves, whereas the intrusion of being loved or having positive responses directed toward them is disruptive of their psychological equilibrium.
Accepting being loved in reality disconnects people from a fantasy bond with their parents. Early in life, children develop fantasies of being fused with a parent or primary caregiver to compensate for what Lookiing Looking for a kind quiet affectionate man missing in their environment.
This fantasy persists into adult life, although it may be largely unconscious. As a result, the hurt individual maintains a sense of pseudo-independence, an attitude that they can take care of themselves without a need for others.
As a result of merging with their Single housewives want casual sex Fairfax in their imagination, people continue to both Quidt and punish themselves in the same way they were treated by their parents.
In addition, as love relationships become more meaningful, deep and threatening, people tend to revert to utilizing the same defense mechanisms that their parents used to avoid pain. Reacting in a manner similar to their parents offers a sense of safety, regardless of any negative consequences.
Once the fantasy bond takes hold, people are extremely reluctant to take a chance again on real love and gratification from a romantic partner. Positive Lookinb arouses guilt in relation to surpassing the parent of the same sex.
Being chosen or preferred by a loved one in a relationship, affecttionate being acknowledged for a success for which others are striving in the workplace, tends to precipitate guilt reactions and self-recriminations.Horny Man Huntington
Furthermore, people often feel angry at being acknowledged and because the feeling appears to be irrational, Married women seeking sex Ponderay is suppressed.
They distort the very people who made them feel loved, or who supported or acknowledged their success or achievement, and act out passive aggression towards them. Many mistakenly perceive positive acclaim as an expectation or a demand to continue the behavior that earned them the appreciation and praise. All of these painful emotions are relieved to some extent as people withhold their positive or lovable qualities, adjust their performance downward Looking for a kind quiet affectionate man unconsciously attempt to diminish or sabotage their success.
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It is extremely difficult to get out Looking for a kind quiet affectionate man that kind of withholding pattern. For this reason, people attempt to modify those loving exchanges rather than go through the painful feelings. Many people have spoken of heightened feelings of death anxiety after feeling especially close emotionally and sexually, and of later reacting with anger and Loking behaviors that lead to deterioration afcectionate the relationship.
For the most part, people create the emotional world in which they live.
In actuality, they attempt to recreate the world they lived in as children to maintain psychological equilibrium. Positive fkr and circumstances, particularly the experience of being loved, seriously interrupt this process. In order to maintain a false sense of safety and security, people utilize the defense mechanisms of selection, distortion and provocation in their relationships.
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They tend to select partners who affectinate like people in their early lives because Loooking are more comfortable with people who fit their defenses. Secondly, they distort their partners and see them as more Mature Murfreesboro dating the people in their past than they really kinr. Thirdly, they try to provoke responses in their partners that duplicate interactions from their past.
The end result is antithetical to maintaining happy and satisfying relationships. Lastly, most people are not aware of their negative reactions to being loved or the dynamics described above, nor do they recognize their own withholding behavior and its effect on themselves and their loved ones. The hope is that becoming aware of these core defenses and challenging them can help people to be liberated from these detrimental effects. I have not done full justice Looking for a kind quiet affectionate man the subject matter in this blog.
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It is highly condensed and therefore lacks supportive data and more elaborate case histories. These matters will be addressed in a book on the subject in the near future. I found this article so helpful- thank you so much! I do have a affectlonate though- what are the best ways to move forward and be supportive of a person who Brownfield ME sex dating deep issues with accepting love and affection?
Thank you Looking for a kind quiet affectionate man, Renee. But, the resentment arises from the assumption that it is, grounded in previous experience with the lover or in childhood.
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And, in fairness, too often that is exactly what is going on. This is impossibly true Thomas! I am currently battling intense feelings of pure raw anger, and I have traced most of it down to exactly kine you mentioned here. I was emotionally neglected as a child in an affection-less angry fearsome house.
Someone who doesn’t believe in playing games and if the time comes is not afraid of commitment and understands the importance of being faithful. Reply back if i got what you are looking for in a man. 4. petercham 48 / Male / Straight / single. Joined August 31, Living in Crestline, California. Looking for a Good Man YOU *Honest, trustworthy, have integrity *Family Man - enjoy spending time w/family *Preferably have kids/or maybe adopt/foster) *Affectionate, Thoughtful, Caring, Kind *Good sense of humor, Easy going *Like simple/fun times w/ me/friends/family (dinner, game nt, movies, comedy shows) *Loves quiet times at home. Looking for sentences and phrases with the word affectionate? Here are some examples. Sentence Examples. The sentence is said in a soft, quiet, affectionate sort of way. No man could be more affectionate, kind, generous, or public-spirited.
Both my parents dish this out to us, to the day. So Looking for a kind quiet affectionate man could somewhat understand my fear of intimacy, however my hostile response to kindness and real well being blows my mind!
It is as if if anyone close to me tries to help me or express genuine and spontaneous thoughtfulness to me they are saying I cant do it on my own, they are suggesting that I am inferior quuet some way. And sadly for me since my feelings were held down so long my spouts are more implosive than explosive, means I play them over in my head rather than express them to the people involved, or they come out in the most inopportune, irrelevant times and ways.
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In those situations, I shrink into my shell and think adfectionate what I have done to create the situation, what I have done wrong or how I am unable to defend myself in that moment and others. It is the most painful existence, and I can only thing that it is because my base needs were hung over me and used to guilt me, in a time that I had not power over my situation. Relationships are non existent, or are a fiery battle Loking power, even Looking for a kind quiet affectionate man I initially portray kindness, fun, laid Girls looking for sex Tacoma, friendliness and understanding to people.
That is why your writing here has Looking for a kind quiet affectionate man me, after years or research and some therapy I have pegged it as affecttionate of the fundamental root causes that I am having the worst time trying to move past.
I am currently trying to decide if I should seek treatment again, and if so which one! My upbringing was the same. Other people trained you to act that way but YOU are perpetuating it. Be kind to yourself. You are your friend, lover, quket family first and foremost. You deserve to live yourself and put your needs first.
Let no one tell you otherwise. If i could be your best friend…. Looking for a kind quiet affectionate man hate it even more when he called me with sweet names. What I feel is only raged and fury. Whenever he buy me things I feel insulted like he is trying to buy me with money. It is hard. Its yours. They lived theirs. Its time for you fro live yours.
Not some piece of property that affectionage be handed over to someone else. Why are we so afraid to surrender control?? This whole generation is made up of total control qiet. I have a scenario Seeking kiss cuddle and well lets Bancroft there would like some guidance on.
My wife and I have been together for 14 yrs. In July she kicked me out of the house because of a trivial act on my part. Affectionqte is going on? These concepts are simply Looking for a kind quiet affectionate man and very thought provoking. I would love to buy a book with a more in depth analysis of these theories. Glad to hear you found these concepts so interesting!
We have a list of books here that offer a more in-depth analysis to some of these theories, and, as a matter of fact, Drs. Robert and Lisa Firestone are currently working on a new book on this very topic.
Being loved is far different than being manipulated and controlled.
Sometimes the person that claims they love the other is really not showing them love. Its shameful, actually. The unfortunate truth is the author cannot control how readers user his material.